Uninspired: A Final Fantasy XIII-2 Demo Review/Rant

By TangoMega

Certain gaming conversations come up over and over again, I've tried to put them to bed, but now I've been forced to find a platform so I can shout this from the rooftops in hopes of someone who can answer after reading it:

What the in the bloody blue fuck is wrong with SquareEnix?
It takes more than just good looks, Honey. Cloud... Lightning... whoever.

I don't think I'm out of line to ask this question. I don't think I'd be out of line to suggest that the company might be run by monkeys. Nothing they do anymore seems to make a lick of sense.

This whole rant has been sparked by the release of the Final Fantasy XIII-2 Demo. The last midnight release of a game I went to was for Final Fantasy XIII, I was very excited to finally have an FF on the 360, so I pre-ordered, stood in line, enjoyed talking with other fans about the other Final Fantasy games, then rushed home to play. It was all downhill from there.

It's the Prince of Persi-- oops. Wrong game.
13 hours later, as I was being pummeled by a mini-boss whom my dipshit whiny companion Hope was healing with lightning spells, I wondered how the hell they'd managed to go backwards and create a game that was unwieldy, linear, uninspired, confusing, and simply not fun? I know they try to reinvent themselves every release, but this was a steaming pile of code. It was pretty poo. Well, I have a favorite saying: syrup on shit does not a pancake make.

I read reviews on it and there were many that felt the same as I did. There were those that liked it, but they seemed to all be kids who had no idea of the legacy of the game. In this case, ignorance certainly seems to be bliss. If you have no idea of what a Final Fantasy is supposed to be like, I'm sure that this might seem to be “good”... somehow... I guess...

Aw, who the fuck am I kidding? It's not a good game. It was hours of pressing the 'A' Button, over, and over, and over again. Who does this?

Oh, that's right... monkeys.

New York City really went to shit after Mayor Trump took office.
So maybe nobody over at SquareEnix has a clue about this thing called the Internet. If they did, they might have an idea of how this game they released is universally loathed. I don't know how that's possible, seeing as how they have an MMO that is equally abysmal and people won't even play it for free (my best friend told me he played for 3 hours and couldn't figure out how to take missions). It's like they are trying to make every game come complete with a new type of FAIL.

So back to the demo. I played it. It's not nearly the disaster of the first game, but really, that's not the point. Nobody wanted to see a do-over of XIII. There were no calls to see this game again. There is, however, a Facebook group begging for a redo of Final Fantasy VII... but do they seem like they are moving in this direction? Not in the least... Primates. It's gotta be a bunch of chimps with Magic 8-Balls running things there.

Lady DoveKiller is a real meanie.
Japan has always danced to the beat of their own drummer, and once upon a time that was a good thing. There's a lot of talented game designers out there. BioWare, RockSteady, Bethesda... in the RPG world, it's a great time to be a gamer. I haven't even mentioned the new company 38 Studios (owned by Curt "Bloody Sock World Series" Schilling) and the impending release of what I think is going to be a sleeper hit, Kingdoms Of Amalur. With Todd McFarlane doing the designs, R.A. Salvatore doing the story, and Todd Ralston (of Elder Scrolls) as the producer, this is a design Dream Team. This game, simply put, looks bad-ass. Taking a page from BioWare in continuity, there is speculation that they will be building an MMO. So check it: They give you a sandbox to build your character, then they are the first to bring MMO to console. This is ambitious territory, yet it's nothing that I said shouldn't happen. I thought DC Universe was going to be that game for a bit, but Sony Online can ruin anything good... (Galaxies, anyone?)

So with this level of talent out there essentially providing the gaming experience you once had, doing a sequel to a game that wasn't well-received is just so counter-intuitive. Nintendo is all about keeping a franchise in your face until you love it again, but SquareEnix acts like there's some kind of curse on FFVII.

Doesn't matter. With this game, house wins, you loose.
I want to mention two places where I thought SquareEnix did something good so it just doesn't come off as a hater-rade (hater tirade), their work on “Final Flight Of The Osiris” and “Advent Children” was absolutely amazing, but somehow they don't make the connection that Advent's acceptance equals interest in a FFVII game. Really? REALLY?!

So if I haven't made my feelings clear, I am underwhelmed by Final Fantasy XIII-2. No way I buy this with everything else coming out around it. I'd rather have Resident Evil Raccoon City than this. Or even Need for Speed: The Run. The Paradigm Shift seems like an ADD Battle Experience with God Of War cinematic button-pressing. Very uninspired. If Deus Ex isn't up to par, I will give up on the SquareEnix brand altogether.

-ere'bodee's favorite mega, blogninja

Follow me @ http://twitter.com/tangomega

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