Serial Killer Pro-Tips

By Bill Sweeney

(Here's a fun little email I sent in to the WCBJ Radio podcast last week)

Pro-Tips for Serial Killers:

1. Don't forget to get off the bus when your victim does. There's
nothing worse than having to get off at the next stop and then run

2. Be extra prepared - remember to always have a back-up plan to your
back-up plan's back-up plan. None of the greats became great by
getting caught the first time.

3. Don't try to pick your own name, that's so gauche, just let the
media do it - it's what they're there for. If you're good at your
craft, fame will come, don't force it.

4. Don't get greedy. Dahmer didn't HAVE to load up his whole damn
fridge at once, but he did, and we all know how that turned out. Slow
and steady wins the race.

5. Buy sensible shoes, UGH I cannot stress that enough....

6. Resist the urge to tweet or share about your killing spree. You may
share your entire life on Facebook but this is the one thing Aunt
Rosie doesn't need to know about - and besides, she would just figure
you were trying to be funny again.

7. Serial Killing is no place for the Buddy-System - Do Not bring in a
"Partner" or a "Protege"! It never ends well, they either mess up the
work, or they get caught and give you up, or they find a reason to turn on
you. You are not the Mr. Miagi of murder.

8. Disguises can be helpful at times, but sorry dude, no one is fooled
when you wear the freshly carved face of someone else.

9. Move around, spread your spree. Break out of your hometown comfort
zone, kill in other cities, see the countryside. Make the most of it,
plan a nice vacation and then paint the town red. It makes you harder
to find by investigators and you wind up with some awesome photos!

10. Don't keep "trophies". Look I get it, we all want to remember the
good times but this is such a newbie thing to do. What if mom finds
your stash of severed eyelids? You can't explain that... and then you
have to kill her too. Look, you're just compiling evidence for the
police to use against you, so toss it out. It's not like you can pull
out "The Collection" when people come over "What have I been up to,
you ask? Well, here's a jar of index fingers, pretty cool, right?"

1 comment:

  1. That's some classic funny shit right there, I tell you what!