When Notsocrazy asked me to be his running mate I immediately said yes because I had just woken up and wasn't really paying attention. After about three hours of meetings, I realized it was not what I thought it was at all. We hadn't done any exercise, let alone any running or jogging. It was explained to me again, so I did an S4 (some serious soul searching). I concluded that since political experience is really no longer an issue these days, I have as much right to run for office as, say, a guy who's biggest credential is running a chain of Pizzerias.
So Notsocrazy and I spent a weekend in a Lakota Sweat Lodge to hash out our ideas, beliefs and opinions. When we emerged, we had agreed on many points. On Wednesday he presented his list, today I present mine.
Protect our future:
The time has come for serious Bi-Partisan regulation against the immoral, temporal abuses of Time Travel. Far too many good deeds have gone undone, just to be redone, sometimes even un-redone, only to be done-done as if nothing ever happened in the first place. It has to stop. My head hurts.
One way we propose to start is with The Skynet Prevention Act. As the name implies, this legislation would prevent Cyberdyne and or Skynet from ever existing. Firstly, those two names would not be available for copyright, trademark, patent or, most importantly, incorporation. Secondly, we round up every woman named Sarah Conner, all ages, and keep and eye on them. The naysayers will scoff now, but after Facebook, Amazon, Apple and Google merge into one entity, and everyone's in tunnels hiding from T-800's and Hunterkiller's, is that when they'll want to get pro-active?
Returns On Investment:
The White house is too
damn big. We can do more with that place. Rent out some rooms. Maybe
even sell off some of the property. That's prime real estate and we
could use the funding. Besides, the President should be living someplace
that looks safe. The pentagon seems fortified with vitamins and
minerals by comparison.
Government really seems to love big business, so why don't we pay down the debt by selling
some National Monuments to Disney. They've proven to be excellent property managers. Besides, isn't it time the Lincoln Memorial
could talk? They could put Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Goofy on the other
side of Mount Rushmore so there's something else to see in East Dakota.
No Safe Haven:
If you turn on your television, you'll notice two growing trends: Occupy Wall Street and Zombie Hoards. You'll also notice that these groups are getting harder to tell apart. The Zombies are everywhere you turn these days and there is a growing sentiment that maybe these undead can be "saved". These people call themselves "Savers". We blame Joss Whedon and those Vampire loving Twilight kids for this. The Friendly/Lovable Vampire trend started with Angel and Buffy and quickly grew out of control with these trendy new shimmery "day-light" vamps. It seems women have forgotten that a Vampires main ability is to mentally enthrall you until you love them. When you think about it, it's more like Stockholm Syndrome than forbidden love. Recently, the "Savers" acceptance of the undead has looked past the desire for clear skin and marginal oral hygiene and has grown to include the rotted flesh of Zombies. And you'll need to look no further than to upcoming episodes of AMC's Documentary series The Walking Dead for proof. We may know what's in Herschel's Barn… but wait until you learn WHY.
For these reasons and more, we seek to create a government body to deal with the Undead legions and simultaneously educate the public of the very real dangers involved with getting to "know" them. We would appoint The RZA to the head of the newly formed HZA (Homeland Zombie Affairs) Division. Yes another new agency, because Fringe and X-Files aren't really moving on this.
Pay Up Or Shut Up:
A different way to "collect" instead of raising taxes, but beware, this may be far too "Real" for some constituents.
It's time to start holding thieving Public Officials truly accountable. For too long they have received only a slap on the wrist for what amounts to a betrayal of not only the public trust, but also the oath they took and the very office they were given. This country is in a economic rabblepot with a skagillion dollar debt and there are are those out there who would seek to pick its pockets. It is tantamount to stabbing your country in it's proverbial back. McCarthy never saw anything this Un-American. Therefore, we plan to introduced The "Honesty Referendum", a bill that will make any theft of services or public/taxpayer funds by a public official, of any stature, considered a treasonous act. For anyone in congress or higher, it's the firing squad. Anyone below, just life in prison. For both it's also the immediate forfeiture and or reimbursement of any and all monies, benefits, and entitlements ever earned or acquired by themselves and spouse while in office, as well as all property and personal assets held by themselves and spouse. It's harsh, but justified. We offer up a brief "no questions asked" amnesty period at the onset, just to give our Glorious Leaders a chance to avoid "prison love". After the line forms and we get them on pay-back plans, a special Justice Department Tribunal will hunt down and ferret out all remaining thieves. How could anyone say no to this idea? The non-guilty should have no fears. To paraphrase G.W.Bush: "If you're not for this bill, you're against it… And that means you're a thief."
By laying out the bulk of our platform, Notsocrazy and I have covered every single conceivable issue facing our country. Probably. Maybe. Well, I'm sure new ideas will come along, and some of these may change, as we begin our conversation with America. With YOU the PEOPLE. Check back here often, as we'll be checking in from the campaign trail off and on.
Follow me on the Twitter: @wickedtheory
I'm Bill Blogins and I approve his message... because I wrote it.