WTF Party, 2nd Assistant Intern/Gopher
Porkhoof, Wyoming-
When he's not mumbling, his voice has a raspy quality to it that's only found in cartoons, usually the doofy best friend. His hair looks as if he combed it with a pack of firecrackers. Vice Presidential candidate BillBlogins doesn't look like he's up for anything right now, claiming the night before got the better of him. The Lucky Snake, he says, is not a conducive atmosphere for focused and productive campaign meetings. I offer to postpone the interview. He waves that off, pukes in a bucket, then motions for me to start.
MWG: What is your leadership as a vice-president going to give us that we haven’t seen before?
BB: You mean this isn't like, one of those "figurehead" kinda gigs? Well, I don't get up before ten, so I guess that's different. And my dirty clothes. I leave that stuff laying everywhere.
MWG: The economy has stalled severely; do you have any plans for any kind of stimulus?
BB: Yup. It's a new one. It's called "TAX-FREE FEBRUARY". Every February we're in office will be tax free. For every citizen, every business. Local, Sate and Federal. No sales tax, in come tax, no Tolls. If that don't stimulate the economy and get us in the White House, nothing will.
MWG: Campaigns always dredge up mud on the candidates’ pasts. Is there anything you're worried about being uncovered?
BB: Who doesn't have skeletons? So what if, behind those skeletons is a stack of ticking time bombs? Tell ya what, I'll give you an exclusive. I'll answer every acusation before they come: I didn't do it, I wasn't there, I'm an American Citizen by birth, That's not me in the photo, My accountant handles my taxes, I don't know this woman, The child is not mine. Done. Next?
MWG: The Tea Party is very worried about another upstart political movement stealing supporters from their camp. Should they be?
BB: Not really, no. Because.... well, look, I don't know about you, but in my town, a Tea Party was something lonely little girls played with their dollies. That's just not something that happens in our camp, I mean, crazy stuff happens in the woods at night, but grown men and dolls? Sounds a bit creepy.
MWG: I know you had an extensive interview planned with Current TV, Al Gore’s channel. They have cancelled without any details or reason. Were you told why?
BB: There was talk, and budget approval mind you, for a eight part series of vaudeville-ish variety specials. The idea was, after a bunch of acts performed, at the end of the show, I would answer one campaign or political question. Eight hours, eight questions. But the deal fell apart when I insisted the first act be a "Donkey Show".
MWG: What do you think is the best defense strategy this country can adopt without spreading our troops and dollars all over the globe?
BB: My running mate Notsocrazy laid out a brilliant plan built around MW3. Outside of that, we have a backup plan that involves a battle royal in pit filled with broken glass.
MWG: On creating jobs, where do you stand?
BB: Why make new ones? I think if we share jobs, there's enough to go around. Work two weeks, than somebody else fills your slot. Or rotate 'em. We could do away with allotted vacation time altogether.
MWG: You are one of the leaders in pop culture policy. What do you think about DC’s New 52?
BB: Honestly it's kind of a cop out. Is that the message we want to send to the kids out there? That if you mess things up, it's okay to just wipe the slate and start over? That instead of facing our mistakes, instead of fixing 60-someodd years of convoluted, time-travel trashed continuity, we can just pretend none of it ever happened? I wonder what Pa Kent would say about that...
MWG: Finally, if there was a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor for BillBlogins, what would be in it?
BB: Vanilla ice cream with ribbons of caramel and dark chocolate and chocolate covered peanuts. Call it "Nutty Bastard's Revenge". That's it? We done?
MWG: Yes we're finished. Thanks so much for --
BB: G'night.
At this point BillBlogins put his head down on the table and fell asleep, the janitor shut the lights and I left.
In the days ahead, look for more on the WTF party candidates right here.
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