2012 OSCAR REPORT: Trying Harder Might Help

By Ruthie

Hello Wicked Theorists!

Once again, it’s your TV watching friend Ruthie, here with a WT First! A report on Hollywood’s biggest night - Oscar Night! It’s like the Superbowl for those of us who don’t care two figs about football! This year was an acceptable, but not hugely impressive or fun Academy Awards. The sets were beautiful, the clothes were lovely, the presenters were generally amusing. There was a problem with the sound that made it difficult to watch, but overall, no huge drawbacks…

Except one....

Billy Crystal.

 I’m sorry Billy. I’m not sure who made the decision to defrost Billy from his cryogenic hosting capsule, but I just don’t think it was the right one. When I was a kid, I adored watching Billy Crystal host the Oscars. I can remember lying on the living room floor, laughing my head off at Billy’s jokes until my Mom made me go to bed because tomorrow was a school day. But that’s when I was a kid. I am now a thirty-something who sent my own kid to bed before I tuned in. What I’m saying here, is that just because Billy was funny back in the day—and he was hilarious—does not mean he’s still funny now. Because he wasn’t. By midway through the show, Billy Crystal was pointing out every time somebody laughed at one of his jokes. Because they were that bad. It’s not his fault. It’s just that Billy was still hosting the same show—doing the same routines and same gags—that were already getting tired in the 1990s. I think he was probably forced into that, though. The only reason I can think of for picking Billy Crystal to host in 2012 is that the geriatrics who run the show were terrified of a Ricky Gervaise type incident, so they ran back to the warm, safe harbor of an earlier time. I’ve seen some commentary that he was great, or that he got better, so I may be the only one who feels this way. It just didn’t work for me.

Anyway, enough harping on about Billy Crystal. (Love you Billy! Really, I do!)

Overall, the winners were pretty predictable. Give Hollywood a big name like Martin Scorcese, or something as overtly high-brow and hipster as a modern silent film, and they are, predictably, going to fall over themselves to throw awards at it. So it’s no surprise that Hugo and The Artist were our big winners tonight. Not that these weren’t both incredible movies. It’s just that the Academy reacts to this sort of movie the same way that I react to news of a Doctor Who—Star Trek: TNG crossover comic book: with drooling and squeals of delight. So no real upsets or surprises in my book, although Josh Fruhlinger (http://joshreads.com/) informed the world via Twitter that Atlantic Tuba was robbed. (Given that I lol’ed during the brief clip, I believe him.)
There were a few more delightful highs and lows from the show, and to best present them in glorious Oscar style, I give you—Ruthie’s Academy Award Awards!

1. Best Mini-Feature During the Oscars
And the RAAA goes to: the Wizard of Oz Focus Group! This was hilarious. I’m the first to admit that I have a minor obsession with Christopher Guest mockumentaries, and here we had the best part of the ensemble, doing their most hilarious deadpan comedy. Eugene Levy always cracks me up, and my husband has a serious man-crush on Fred Willard, so this was a high point in our house.

2. Film Most Ignored by the Academy
And the RAAA goes to: the entire Harry Potter franchise. Love it or hate it, few films have had quite the staying power, economic strength, and cultural influence as the Harry Potter franchise. The 8 movie series was nothing short of a cultural phenomenon, and one that shaped the childhoods of tens of thousands (or even young-adulthoods, if you’re old like me). I’m not saying that the Academy should have dumped awards on Deathly Hallows 2 just to make up for ignoring the rest of the franchise—although, it wouldn’t be the first time they did that *cough*Returnoftheking*cough*. But it would have been nice to see, say, a token nomination for Alan Rickman given his beautifully nuanced performance that spanned EIGHT films. Or even just the special effects nod for a movie that did things to special effects that practically were magic. But nothing. Sigh. And that leads me to our next award…

3. Best Complete Failure to Muster Enthusiasm for Winner of Category You Were Nominated In And the RAAA goes to… Gary Oldman. Bwahaha! Did you see that? Brief token clap, followed by an extended glower. Poor Gary. I can’t blame him. Some of the best actors alive today are perpetually snubbed by the Academy (like Gary Oldman and the aforementioned Alan Rickman), and the only reason I can think of for it is the fact that they insist on being British and acting in British films a lot? I don’t know. But I loved Oldman’s reaction to his loss. Cheer up, Gary—you’re always best in my book!

4. Most Ridiculous Stance
And the RAAA goes to… Angelina Jolie, with no competition here! Jolie decided to wear a dress that rocked an asymmetrical neckline, a bustle, and a hip-high slit. Not one to leave a good slit alone, any time she was standing up, she stood in a bizarre, wide legged akimbo in order to show off the entirety of her emaciated and fleshless right leg. It was so bizarre that after she presented the best Writing award, one of the winning writers paused for a moment to imitate Angelina’s leg pose. Mere moments after the Oscars concluded, BuzzFeed had an excellent gallery of Angelina’s naked thigh that you can see for yourself here.

5. Best Dressed
It wouldn’t be an Oscars writeup without some mention of fashion, so here it is. Before I present the award, however, I have to warn you that I’m the last person who should be commenting on fashion. Whatever gene it is that makes girls care deeply about things like designers and fabric patterns and draping? I did not get that gene. The last fashion item I deeply coveted was this. Still, I’m giving it a go, just for you, because I know you expect it.

For best-dressed man, the RAAA goes to… I’ve gotta give the nod to the seat filler honored by Tom Hanks at the beginning of the show. I failed to write his name down (anyone got it? Tell me in the comments!) but he’s a dead-ringer for Mickey Rooney and he showed up in the most fabulous frilly powder blue tux I’ve seen this side of a 1970s prom! Seriously, in the first 30 seconds of the show we were already rewinding for a second look. It was the most daring outfit in the room, and on the red carpet it could only have been outshined by Sasha Baron Cohen’s dictator. Amazing, and great job, veteran seat filler.

For best-dressed woman, the RAAA goes to… Esperanza Spalding. The beautiful singer who gave us one of the loveliest renditions of “A Wonderful World” I’ve ever heard, also rocked one of the most beautiful and daring outfits of the night. Her gown was a beautiful white column with just the right amount of beading, and her trademark big hair was even bigger and more dramatic. Her look was distinctive and almost ethereally beautiful. On a night when almost everyone seemed to be going for old-fashioned Hollywood glam, Spalding looked beautiful and contemporary and bold. I loved it. For photos, you can check this!

And a quick note to Hollywood from me: Step away from the botox. Good gracious. Some of you are so botoxed you no longer look human. Billy Crystal, for instance, looks less like Billy Crystal than he looks like someone wearing a Billy Crystal mask. The same could be said for a great many more. Age with dignity, people. Dignity. Wear your wrinkles with pride—you earned them.

Whew! And on that note, after a very long night, I have got to get to bed. So let’s wrap this up. What was your best moment of the night? Tell me in the comments. Don’t forget to tune in for our various recaps, and check us out on facebook. As always, see you next time!