The Dukes Last HAZZARD - Part1

We, your Wicked Theory Faction candidates, Notsocrazy and BilBlogins, wish to apologize for our distinctly noted absences at the end of the Primary Election season. As it turns out, this campaign tour and life on the road, has had more twists and turns planned for us than we could have ever anticipated, with or without a map...

As you know, when we headed out of Pennsylvania, our next planned stop was in Hazzard County at The Boar’s Nest, the local saloon of choice. Our goals were to address the issues of the locality, ensure the public that our platform is stronger than ever, and to see for ourselves, the origination of the Daisy Duke’s. Unfortunately, the scheming local County Commissioner, Jefferson Davis Hogg and local Sheriff, Rosco P. Coltrane, framed us for crimes we did not commit soon after our arrival. Lucky for us, some kindhearted locals, the Duke family, liberated us from the confines of the Hazzard County jail... And more.


Events transpired, both horrific and heroic, and the ensuing investigations kept us from discussing them publicly until now. We believe the public deserves the truth. Here, compiled from first hand accounts, the ATF's final report, and our own recollection, is what went down...

We were just coming up to the Chickasaw/Hazzard County Line in the campaign tour bus, completely exhausted from the Cheese Steak War peace talks in Philadelphia. The 196 ounce SuperMaxGulp Bill had drank a few miles back was working on him hard, and the bus bathroom door was wedged shut with the naked, passed-out bodies of [Names Redacted] two unknown women, who had both kindly volunteered to take a look at our slogans. Our new driver, who's name we could never quite pronounce (at some point we just started calling him E.B. for Eastern Block) pulled over to a small thatch so that Bill could return his drink to the Earth from which it came.

As he was taking care of business in the tall bushes, Bill noticed a blue fluid running out from the brush. Not having peed blue since he overdosed on Great Bluedini Kool-Aid as a kid, he decided to take a look to see where it was coming from. Low and behold, there sat a few jugs of colored ink and some shinny silver squares. Upon examining the squares, Bill saw a NASCAR logo on them.

Just as two and two started to add in his head, up wandered three gentlemen in cheap grey suits with small caliber revolvers, giving Bill quite a frightful surprise. One of the men clocked Bill with a punch and he went down like a small child. The other one, the big dumb one, cleared the rest of us from the bus at gun point. They weren’t as happy to see us as everyone else on our WTF Campaign Tour had been.

“You boys showed up at the wrong place at the wrong time. Sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong and uncovering our NASCAR race ticket counterfeiting operation. Johnny Ray, get on the horn with Boss Hogg. Let ‘em know we have some trouble up here. And ask him when he is going to have the Darlington Motor Speedway plates ready. Moose, take those girls and put'em in the van.”

Our female friends gasped and E.B., bless his small bodied soul, tried to swing at Moose who merely mushed his head against the campaign bus, lazily killing him.

"Damn it, Moose!" The boss slapped him, sighed… then slowly looked at us. "Now these two have to dig a ditch."

From Sheriff Coltrane's personal Facebook account.
And we did so because having a gun pointed at you can be a splendid motivator. Just about when were putting the last shovel of dirt over E.B., Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane finally got to the scene. We heard him call the crew boss "Landers". Once Rosco had the run down from Landers he turned to us. We introduced ourselves and our platform. Bill mentioned some of our views and stances to which Coltrane nodded and said that, he too, thought the country was in terrible shape, and that perhaps what we really need is a new approach to old ide---

"Waidaminut. Are you tryin' to get my vote? Ooooo! Why you politicians 'r slicker than an oiled otter, I tell you what. Get in the back!" He angrily fumbled with his hat and his pistol motioning for us to get in his car. "Git, git, git!" We did. These men were obviously not the best crooks as they certainly didn't seem to mind discussing their shady business with us right there. It was hot and Rosco had left all the windows open. The small hound up front didn't budge.

"Alright fellers, Hogg ain't gonna be back 'til tomorrow, he's meetin with them land developers about buildin' the race track instead of a high school. He's gonna holler about this, boy. I'll lock up these two and you get back to inkin' or printin' or whatever..." Rosco looked at us and realized we'd heard everything.  He got in and said nothing to us the whole ride. He just blasted Waylon Jennings and let Flash, a dog five years past dead, lock his eyes on us.

Hazzard County slammer. A small, two cell jail. We were left completely alone for hours in there but quickly realized we needed to escape. This was not looking good for us, nor the campaign. The potential backlash would lead to free press, but at what price? We tried the belt trick from the Ghost Town episode of The Brady Bunch to reach a set of keys on a nearby hook. Our only success at this was failure.

Later in the evening, in only a bathrobe and his big sheriff's hat, Rosco came into the holding area a slushy, drunken mess. He never turned on the lights. Tears, cursing and dark secrets poured from the man for almost an hour. He was once an honest lawman, he said, but his brother-in-law had corrupted him for so long now he couldn't... He got quiet. Then he slowly confessed to us about grisly business he conducted under direct orders from this same "fat little buddy".  He told us about the last moments of two young men, impostors he said, and how his weak stomach betrayed him that night. Rosco squinted at us and swayed softly, like a blade of grass...

"Vance never saw it coming... but... Coy..." He grinned ruefully, his face as sour as his booze. "For a boy wit' a sissy name,.. he coul' fight....and I was too old for that shit..." Rosco nodded... then shook his head. "Blood eve'ywhere..."

Bill and I shared a brief, confused eye contact before the main door opened. A Deputy, Enos Strate we would later learn, came in with two good old country boys, Bo and Luke Duke. All three of them were surprised by the state of Rosco, who got nasty at their mothering tones. Enos asked the cuffed boys to put themselves in the cell, so he could tend to the drunken Sheriff, and get this, they did it! They even shut the cell door! Small towns, I guess. Enos managed to get Rosco into a police car to drive him home but not before the Sheriff vomited all over the two of them.

Bo is the dopey looking one.
Unsupervised again, we introduced ourselves to our new friend across the way. After we explained our situation, and of course, our political platform, the Duke boys were all about helping us out. You see, there are couple things of a country boy’s that you just don’t mess with, one of them being his NASCAR racing. This towns corruption ran pretty deep they told us. We got lost in their interesting tales of their righteous relationship with the towns County Commissioner, Boss Hogg, and just as I was about to mention Rosco's dark revelation, Enos returned and we all clammed up.

None of us were worried. The boys had said their cousin Daisy was already on her way to pull the “Watch my cutoff shorts go up my butt crack while one of them unsuspectingly grabs all of the keys" trick on good ol’ Deputy Enos. They weren't proud of it, but it works, they said. It turns out Enos was a bit of a premature ejaculator and a small flash of Miss Daisy’s ass cheeks was enough to make him stand yard up on the fence post. Bo grabbed the keys and soon enough we were roaring off in the General Lee to get our short bus out of the impound. Before we knew it, dawn was breaking and we were ripping down bootlegger backroads and jumping off random dirt mounds, leaping across ravines on our way to the Duke family farm to run a plan by Uncle Jesse. 

Hazzard County Impound
Wouldn't ya know it, Jesse bought a big stack of the very same counterfeit tickets in an attempt to turn some profit in order to make the mortgage payment on the farm. When the boys gave him guff, Jessie reminded them that the only one who had a real job was Cousin Daisy with her gig as a waitress at The Boar’s Nest. Silence. Luke eyed the ceiling and Bo checked his pockets.

I took that moment too introduce Bill and myself.

"Wha kinda name is Notsocrazy? Sounds Injun... hippie… or somethin'" I assured him we weren't Native Americans or Deadheads and that actually, we were running for executive office. He rolled his eyes. We also mentioned that we were supposed to have a campaign rally at that very establishment later that afternoon. Daisy perked up.

"Oh, that's you boy's? Wow, I'm working that shift!" She said.

"Politicians? That may be worse than hippies!" Uncle Jessie laughed to himself then swiftly said, "So what's your stance on Prop 66?" His question stumped me I am ashamed to say. I was not aware of a proposition for the Legalization of Medical Moonshine. I told him that it sounded delicious."Y'know, haven' a name like Notsocrazy makes me wonder if you might be crazy…" Jessie said retrieving his private stock. "But I got something' for that… Mr. Blogins? Thirsty?"

Completely out of character, Bill passed on it, saying a man can only have the hair of the dog so many mornings in a row. Looking back now, I wish I had followed suit. Uncle Jessie handed me a small mason jar, filled about three fingers deep. Powerfully good.

While I filled Jessie in on our story, Bill noticed all the bricabrac slapped onto the fridge. Pig magnets, chicken magnets, flyers, notes, cow magnets, photos. He spotted one photo in particular. It was of Bo and Luke shaking hands with what looked like their low rent twins.

The only known photo of Coy and Vance Duke, found in the ruble.
Like bad stunt doubles, Bill thought. Impostors.

I was up to the part in our story where Rosco locked us up, when Bo walked over to Bill and saw the picture too.

"That's Coy and Vance! Our cousins! Yeah, they were here about a year ago while me an' Luke did a short run with NASCAR." Bo smiled wide. "Shhhoot! That was fun times. NASCAR I mean. Our cousins didn't really stay… What?"

Bo stopped talking because Bill and I were having another melodramatic eye contact. This one was drenched in ominousness. They all knew now, that we knew something we hadn't told them.

"There's something... I need to tell you…" I said because I was about to tell them.

So I told them about the true fate of Coy and Vance. The men doubted at first but Daisy wailed. But we insisted it was true, or at the least Rosco had told us that it was. They wanted to know how, why and when - but we didn't have enough details. Bo went to the phone but Jessie stopped him, the line has been down for months, he said. He would've called to get someone to fix it… but, you know,… the phones dead.

None of them knew what a cell phone was and Bill's pink, bedazzled Hello Kitty Sidekick was getting no bars. The Dukes weren't really sure who they'd contact anyway.

"Why don't we just contact them?" Daisy chimed in while smearing her tears through her make-up.

Jessie Duke, in happier times, doing the Superbowl shuffle.
"Who?" Luke asked.

"Coy and Vance. Maybe we could have one them spooky old seances and see if their really dead?" She said and the Duke men balked. "But Shelly Digdale has been showing me lots of the craziest stuff! And- aw, shoot … I'll just set it up." She left, ignoring them and immediately Jessie started pacing the room.

"Voodoo-shoodoo, mumbo-jumbo, tex-mex-hex, for the love of all things…" He grumbled.

"Now just calm down Uncle Jessie, remember your blood pressure…" Luke said. "I think it's bunk too, but maybe we should appease her, maybe she's in shock and she's trying to cope."

(We'll be right back after a word for our sponsor...)

What the Dukes didn't know was that Boss Hogg was already back in town, and twenty minutes ago, had received the rundown of bad news from Sheriff Coltraine. Hogg had eaten from his breakfast assortment (eggs, bacon, sausage, butter-milk biscuits, pancakes, waffles, sliced cantaloupe, coffee, milk and orange juice) while, slumped in the seat across, Rosco spoke. His voice like gravel, his head pounded. Boss Hogg cocked his head and stopped chewing.

"Awwww, do you have a hang-over, ROSCO!?" Boss Hogg spittled food as he interrupted.

 "Well, yeah, Bosh. Long night... early morning' too." Rosco reached for a biscuit and Boss Hogg swatted him away with a rap from a sausage link. Thew fat man shook his head.

"So I presume these, Pres-e-dential candidates, that know all about my track deal, thanks to you, are waiting at county jail… or did the Duke boys break them out?"

"uh..yeah The Dukes… they--"

"Let me guess…. Enos?" Hogg shut his eyes.

"Well uh, yeah… but Boss, later, I was piss drunk…. and I mighta told them politicians some things…" Rosco didn't want to say more.

"Aboouut whhhaat?" Hogg leaned in close, sensing the worst but it was worse than even that.

"I mighta told them… about what I happened to Coy and Vance…"

Courtesy Hogg Estate Image Archive
Hogg went wild. He threw the eggs, plate and all, at Rosco. He dodged most of it.

"WHAT! And now they're ALL TOGETHER?!" Hogg pounded the table.

Rosco nodded and Hogg jumped up and started throwing food at him as he approached.

"You DAMNED FOOL!" Bacon. "Everything's gonna fall apart!" Pancakes. "Them boys know everything now!" Cantelope. "The tickets, the track… And they know about what you did, you IDIOT!" Hogg seethed, his veins like cables. "Why do you always do this!" Hogg shoved Rosco back into his seat, then decked him. "I'm tired of you messing things up for me!" Hog grabbed him by the scruff. "Tell me how you're gonna FIX THIS!" Hoggs neck undulated violently as he yelled. Rosco shoved him off and Hogg faltered back but kept his footing.

Rosco sat still for a long moment. Then, whispering without much life in him, and peeling melon from his face, he said:

"I have a friend... I think we could have local ATF up there in a hour..."

Hogg took off his plastic bib, threw it aside and squinted. 

"Yeah. I bet he'd come quick once he knew there was a fully operational moonshine distillery, several unregistered shotguns…" Rosco's plan was making Hogg grin. "Sure, when I add in that four of 'em just escaped lock up and two of them are stone cold killers, he'll come runnin' guns blazin'. Questions later."

Hogg was astounded by this plan from his otherwise defective detective.

"Pin Coy and Vance on the Dukes?" Hogg asked.

"I don't care. Let's just end this for good. Right?"

Hogg grinned, taking from his own plate to hand a biscuit to Rosco. An offering.

 Coltrane wearing the Hogg's meal.
"No thanks." Rosco rises, coldly ignoring the mess of food stuffs falling off him. "Get ready to roll, Tubby. I gotta make a call." Pushing through the door, Rosco saw Deputy Cletus Hogg, the Commissioner's nephew, standing there, slack-jawed, right outside the office. The dopey deputy had heard everything. Rosco chose to ignore that possibility and chided him instead.

"Don't just stand there, stupid. Get a broom. The Hogg's made a mess." Rosco shoved passed the oafish underling and exited the building shaking off the breakfast assortment he wore...

Meanwhile, the curtains had been drawn, but just enough morning light made its way throughout the Dukes' small kitchen.

Bo, Luke, Uncle Jessie and Bill sat at the table with Daisy at the head. Jessie's "Medical Moonshine" was working on me strongly at that point, so I sat quietly on what might have been a couch, maybe, mere feet away in the "living room".

I can only remember certain parts of the next hour or so. Honestly, the majority of what I can recall is a disjointed menagerie of swirling lights, distorted voices and melting faces. Much of the following was filled in for me later by my running mate as I experienced my own inebriated adventures.
Daisy's mail order Crystal Ball had been placed on top of a Milton Bradley Ouija Board, which itself, was on top of a signed, headshot of Ronnie James Dio. "Daisy, you're my rainbow in the dark, Ronnie". He had drawn a pentagram instead of an "O". She was layering the energies, she said.
Jessie wasn't liking any of this one bit but his nephews were getting a kick, fighting back snorts and smiles when Daisy wasn't looking. Bill was fiddling with his girly phone to escape the awkwardness but then she made them join  hands. I found a small taxidermy collection on a shelf and made friends. Squirrel, sparrow and a woodchuck. Or was it a hedgehog…? Regardless, we kept to ourselves and discussed the intergalactic shipping lanes in (mostly bunk, we agreed) Star Wars.

Daisy closed her eyes and told us all to do the same. We all did but I immediately started spinning and had to open them up...

At that very moment, Boss Hogg and Rosco were just pulling up to a ridge-line that gave them a concealed view of the Duke farm. Enos and Cletus were in another patrol car behind them. Hogg looked concerned. Rosco rolled his eyes. He so no longer cared.

"What now, Chubsy? I see your greasy wheels spinning." Rosco turned off the car.

"I don't think it's gonna work, I mean, eventually… If your ATF buddy takes them Dukes into custody… they're gonna get to the truth sooner--"

"Shut up." Rosco scanned the Dukes farm with his binoculars. "ATF ain't takin' anyone in. Nobody alive, anyhow…"

Hogg was taken by this, he twisted his head.

"Rosco P. Coltraine, what has becom--"

"You told me to FIX THIS, RIGHT, FAT MAN?" Rosco glared back at his oversized brother in-law.

"Then watch me, you short legged fuck." Hogg said nothing and Rosco resumed his spying. "This is done. Today. Fixed for good. I'm tired of this. You. These damned Dukes. All of it." He surveyed the property. The Duke boys had backed the General Lee into the barn but Rosco could see the orange nose of it. The WTF Campaign Bus was parked behind the structure.

"Now, look, you wanna come out clean as a brand new whistle?" Hogg nodded but Rosco never looked back. "Well then, there can only be one side of the story when ATF arrives… That also means keeping' those two bozos out the loop. Feds start asking them anythin' they'll spill faster than a four year old pouring a glass of milk." Rosco thumbed back, indicating the Deputies. The CB squawked. Cletus.

"Uh, in that case Sheriff, you may wanna turn off your radio. Seems like the button is sticking or something…"

Rosco grabbed the recover off the cradle and indeed, the side button was indeed stuck.

"How long ago did I ask for new radios you penny pinching piglet!" Rosco barked and then whipped the hand-piece against Hogg's knee as hard as possible. Hogg whelped. "Hush…" Rosco went back to the binoculars...

In the Duke kitchen, Bo and Luke had finally stopped goofing on the idea and actually relaxed. Uncle Jessie was peeking out from one eye until Daisy sensed this and told him to shut it. Bill started dozing in and out a bit - we had been up all night, you'll recall.

I was wrestling the carpet.
Daisy Duke: Runner-Up, Miss Hay Loft, 1985

Daisy murmured low. It was a whispered chanting and soon it gave way to a rhythmic request for the dead to come forward. She called out for Coy and Vance to move through the haze, to press forward, to speak to us. From the floor I saw her Crystal Ball start to glow and in my haze thought it was a tiny volcano. Her speech quickened, her requests turned to gibberish. She cawed loudly, her arms shook. Bill was fully awake now and saw all the men had their eyes open, but Daisy's were clamped. She released her hands from the circle and swiftly stood. She thrashed. Her head snapped back. She slowly rose a foot off the floor. Hovering, her voice become the sharp wail of a thousand wounded children. Her eyes opened. All white. Uncle Jesse's worst fear had come true.

She was possessed...

Up on the ridge, Rosco heard that heinous wail and got out of his patrol car. Something about that sound told him that now was the time. Deputies Enos Strate and Cletus Hogg watched him go into the trunk and remove a long aluminum briefcase. He closed the trunk, turned and tossed the case onto the hood of Enos' vehicle. He popped it open and went to work. The deputies couldn't see what Rosco was doing, the top of the case blocked their view, but they knew it wasn't poker chips in there. They looked at each other and knew this was bad. Finished in short time, Rosco closed the case and stood revealed. He held a freshly assembled, .308 hunting rifle. A fairly new Sauer 202 with a rather large scope. Woodgrain. He slaps in the short clip and fishes out two orange foam plugs and puts them in his ears. Hogg had been watching - somewhat, his size made it difficult to turn around fully - and opened his door to get out.

"Stay in the car Fat Man." Rosco growled this and Hogg shut the door.

The Sheriff then went to the driver side of the other car. "Enos, back this heap up and turn it so your facing the house…" Enos looked confused but his superior continued. "I want you to roll right down this hill into their yard when I give the signal." Rosco was truthful there, but the next part, not so much. "I'm gonna fire warning shots and flush'em them out. I'll wave, you'll roll down and I'll come following. Now when you position up, keep it in drive, foot on the brake. I want to be in hot pursuit if they get to their cars. Got it?" Rosco held the rifle like an expert infantryman. Enos eyed the weapon with confusion.
Deputy Strate

"Well, y-yeah, but, wha-" Enos stammered until interrupted.

"GOT IT?" Rosco asked again. Enos nodded. "Good. Get movin'." Rosco trotted down the slope. Enos started the patrol car, Cletus stared at him hard. Enos just shook his head, as usual, he was befuddled but following orders. Rosco hustled to a tree halfway to the Duke homestead. A simple swing made from a lone tire hung there.

He dropped to one knee and raised up the barrel...

Daisy floated, the Crystal Ball hummed as it glowed and the men in the Duke kitchen all stood. Both fearful and frozen, their inexperience in these dark matters was obvious. Uncle Jessie dabbed his eyes with an old red bandanna. I myself was dealing in my own darkness behind the Victrola. She gasped, deeply, for far too long, longer that a person should or could. Then, being only one vessel for two visiting souls, she spoke with all voices at once.

"Uncle Jessie, cousins…" The voice was like mist, wafting and slow. Daisy's head turned to Bill and I."…witless guests. Why have you roused us? Our slumber was peaceful…"

Bo and Luke didn't know what to say. This was nothing like changing a fuel filter or milking a cow. The boys only knew so much and symbiotic multi-spiritual amalgamations were not on the list. Stepping up, Bill took over, he was almost giddy. His certificate from Ghost Hunters Online Survivalist Training course would finally get some use. Little known fact: Bill's a firm believer in The Final EctoPlasmageddon.

"Are you Coy AND Vance?" Bill asked.

"…Yes…" Coyvance said but Bill knew demons could pretend to be other souls.

"Prove it." Bill ordered.

"...This is the closest either of us have ever been to a woman…"

The Duke men all nodded, yup, yeah, uh-huh, that's them. No doubt.

"Why did Rosco kill you boys?"

"…We left here… set on a fool's run. He was waiting to snare us…"

Bo chimed in. "But we got a call saying you're Granma was sick…"

"….A ruse. Our Grandmothers were already long dead…We forgot…" Coyvance looked away.

"You two are the dopiest, I swear, I,…What happened?" Uncle Jessie's voice was thick and shaky.

"…He stopped us at the state line…" Coyvance strained to recall. "He said he needed to search the car… He lied when he claimed to find reefers… He had brought it… We protested this… said we resisted… things… escalated…. he took out his weapon. We died. He smashed our teeth to bits… burned our bodies in a ditch…"

Outside, Rosco peered through the scope. The magnification was overkill, he could read the tattoo off a tick if such was the need. Scanning, he paced his breath…

Coyvance shifted Daisy's head. "…These things… he did for the Hogg… and it broke him inside… shadows of his past resurfaced… followed him… Coltraine has a darker soul than you know… Right now he's perched, poised to attack… behind the swing tree…"

Impulsively, Bo went to the window. He pulled back the curtain to see and a bullet broke the glass blasting Uncles Jessie's skull clear across the house. I was misted by it in the other room and mistook it for hot summer rain.

"JESSIE!" Bo yelped. The boys rushed to him but suddenly the house started creaking as a low and sorrowful moan began in Daisy/Coyvance's chest. The Coyvance did not like this one bit...

Bill was trying to load Bejewled Blitz when he took this photo by accident.
Outside, Rosco pulled the bolt, reloaded and then gave Enos the signal. He went back to position and fired a shot at Bo, missed, and hit the Crystal Ball instead. That alone, would prove to be his greatest mistake...

The moaning went high pitch when the Ball shattered and fully released the Coyvance. If only a small fraction had been residing within Daisy, now whatever remained flew around the room. Angrily. The room became a whirlwind. Bo and Luke crawled to Jessie. Bill tried to contain the situation. I figured out how to program the time on the VCR. I think.

"Daisy, let them out! You have to let them OUT!" Bill yelled over the noise. Daisy shook violently in the air. "Let them out, DAISY!" The circling Coyvance swooped, passing over Jessie and the Duke boys watched as it took the dead Unlcles soul, adding it to itself. It got bigger. The souls tried to make their way into the nearest vessel but Daisy's body could no longer take the strain, it was not made to be this sort of tether…

When Enos' car got close enough, Rosco spun, lined up, and fired two shots into the moving vehicle. The first one caught Enos in the eye socket, the second got Cletus in his fat neck. Cletus opened the door, rolled out, tumbled as he crunched bones and came to a stop belly up. The rolling car headed straight for the house.

"Well, Enos, you finally did something right." Rosco whispered to himself…

Inside the house, as Bill's training had taught him would happen if she was used as a tethering vessel for too long, for too powerful an entity, Daisy's eyes turned blood red. She thrashed hard one last time and collapsed. Spent and dead. The swirling Coyvance regained its last remaining self, gathered her essence as well and shot straight up through the roof with the power of four angry souls. Debris rained and everyone covered their heads and Bill saw the police car through the shattered window behind Bo.

Bill yelled. The car crashed into the house, pushing in the kitchen wall. Pipes burst. Cabinets fell. Plates, glasses, heirlooms crashed. The punctured roof started to give and Bill, Bo and Luke tumbled into the living room with me. The car blasted the table and chairs behind them and dead stopped.

"Your interior decorator makesh a HELL of an entrance!" I told them as I sat in their fish tank ass first, my feet dangling over the sides like a little kid on the bus. I barely fit but it was cooling me down and the spins had stopped. "This pool sucksh by the way."

"George and Phyllis like it." Luke said getting up.

"Who's George and Phyllish?" I asked and while you may know where this was going, I, in that "state", didn't see it coming.

"My snapping turtle and his pirana." Bo said.

I freaked like a school girl and broke the tank. I fell down off the stand, landing in the puddling swampy tank brew. George and Phyllis now had the run of the house and I had freed them. Mister Lincoln, would be proud, I said...

At the tire tree, Rosco started backing up, getting some distance as he watched Coyvance shoot into the sky. Moving backwards in awe, he watched it rise until it was gone. He tried for only a short moment to understand it, then he got back on mission. He took a knee, sighted up his target and fired shots at the gas tank on Enos' patrol car…

Inside (what was left standing) of the house, we ducked and dogged, not knowing what he was aiming for. When the tank exploded, then we knew. The vehicle's back end lifted high and we ran. I swear we felt the air suck out of the house. The lifting car pushed the house further towards collapse. Gasoline fire coated that side of the structure. Bo peeked outside and saw Rosco pop open a stand on the barrel of his gun and take to his belly.

"Snake in the grass. He's gonna pick us off as we come out the front." Bo rightfully surmised.
The house was burning… collapsing.

On the ridge, Hogg had his knees on the seat, perched at the driver side window of the patrol car, much like a dog. He watched in cold dismay as his once lowly, bungling, useless fool of a Sheriff was executing a well orchestrated one man assault. He had also seen the Coyvance rise above. He was also the first to see it when it returned, descending with the same speed...

Inside the dying house, Luke pulled out a buck knife and literally cut a rug. Bo saluted his idea, instantly knowing his intent. Bo told Bill to fish out a paper bag from under the couch. Luke grabbed the slit he'd made and pulled the rug, ripping it back, revealing a trap door. I didn't care how preposterously convenient it was, it was a blessing. The fire roared across the remaining roof and the shifting cracking sounds told us we had to boogie.

Bill fished out the grease spotted brown bag as Luke wrenched the door open.

"What's in here? Lunch?" Bill spiral tossed it firmly to Bo.

"Oof! Hey, that's dynamite ya idiot!" Bo barked.

"Oh, damn sorr-- wait. You keep dynamite in a greasy bag under the couch?" Bill asked but Luke answered.

"That's not grease, that's 'glycerin sweating. This was Jessie's stash. Even in death he's coming through for us."

In sentiment Bo kissed the paper bag. "What about Jessie and Daisy, Luke?"

"No time!" Luke grabbed his cousins' arm, pulled him along and we all went down the short steps as Bo told us the low, narrow tunnel ran to the barn.

"Before the moonshine days, our family used to sneak slaves through here." He informed us.

"To save 'em or sell 'em?" I asked, stepping into the darkness.

Deputy Cleatus Hogg
"Maybe we should just keep walkin'." Luke said as he closed the trap door behind us. We took only a few steps before we heard the house above us finally give way. The noise screeched sharply just before it boomed and the force kicked all kinds of dust and dirt around. I felt the quick change in pressure with my eardrums. We continued making our way underground in the absolute black, quickly now. We never saw what happened when the Coyvance returned.

But Cletus did...

(Because this thing is just dang too long!)


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